Nostalgia

Was talking to A and it just swung me out of control to look back.

This ides of march marked almost 7 years, away from the place, where A was talking to me from - Chennai. Given the fact that A was right where I grew up and in the course of our conversation, we touched upon several places, interests and activities, that were part of my life, not so long ago.

To start, walking on the Ranganathan Street on any day, will push your time to several hours. It'd be jam packed, walking shoulder to shoulder dodging incoming humans and getting thro this street( approximately 0.75KM ) is quiet an exercise. But one would feel that you can get what ever you want, just by crossing this street - anything from Groceries to jewelry. While the main line of business is selling vegetables, it is strategically located to lead to other main places in T Nagar.

Thyagaraya Nagar or T Nagar as it's called is the almost the center of the City of Chennai, formerly Madras. Its the happening place. The shopping hub of the city. I know families, which come to the city from other states, just for one reason to shop at T Nagar for any of their auspicious events. Tons and tons of shop on almost anything - jewelry, Apparels, Snacks, Audio/Video/Electronic galleries.

Walking or shopping at Ranganthan Street and T Nagar, during festival season is an experience, that hadn't been surpassed, till today.

Last but not the least, the place that I've always loved - infamous Marina Beach. The long shore and the walk that leads us to the waters is so green in my memory. I've been to this beach at different times of a day and also once during a cyclonic storm. If you spend about an hour all by yourself and without any disturbance, I can't describe in words, the refreshing feeling you'd get. Needless to say, the beach comes alive during evenings and weekends. 100's of small shops, particularly those that sell chaat and other forms of snacks are particularly very popular. Driving along the beach passing some of the old buildings in Chennai is equally great. Having see so many other beaches, so far I've not come across one that's so lively and beautiful as Marina Beach.

These three places in particular among many others, have been part of my life, not just as a road or a place to see and also that I've been there 1000's of times, but its one of those places, which comes to your mind, when you think from where you came from. I miss being to these places so much.

Coming back, I started wondering what's the point of being here, in the state I'm now, right now. Its no surprise that with this thought, all the reasons as why I'm here and doing what I'm doing, all started to have a have their own dull color. Its also once of those situations, where one wonders as what's point of missing or 'loosing' so many things, when you could be part of. I do have an overwhelming feeling of having 'lost' so many things, now and more than ever. Family, friends, 'comfortable' places, lively moments et al. are right over there...

Times have changed, 7 years have passed, my life has had innumerable changes, but the sense of being lost and wandering in search of something that's unknown, makes me think that may be - may be, somewhere, sometime, somehow things could've been different, if it was done differently, long back.

As I wrote before, the other side is always green and life would look even more beautiful, when looked back. But I strongly believe that everything has a price to pay and sometimes, no matter what, the costs of loosing something so much can't compensate to what's gained and infact raises the question "did I gain anything at all".

Second-guess

Its been a very rough week... 2 events just threw out what I had written before.

The preamble would be, what happened way back in the year 2000. It was the time, I had number of job-offers and was going thro' non-stop interviews. R was one such company, which had called in for an interview at 7PM on a weekday. Even at that phone invitation, the person sounded a bit cold, more like 'take it or leave it'. I was puzzled, but wanted to give my best shot.

I was new to the area and I got lost. I did update him that I'm running late and infact had to take directions from him at one point. Finally, I sit in front of him and after the customariness and apologies for getting lost and arriving late, he shot back!

He said, he had received 2 resumes of mine, one from my current employer( consulting firm ) and other directly from me. It was one of those situations, where we both had applied to the same position, at the same time. He put both of the in front of them in the table and looked at me like an insect.

I understood the situation and tried to put it straight that, I'm trying to be on my own. But it was late, he had already second-guessed me and firing at me, from all cylinders. He didn't even allow me to explain myself. He just was straight out angry.

I could get very little out of him, but it was clear that he had assumed something that he didn't want to tell me, but was on the process of ruling me out, to my face.

I had two choices, either walk out, shouting back at him that its not a crime that I committed by searching and finding a job on my own or the 2nd choice being, still attempt to give my best shot as I didn't want to ruin my chances, by being impatient.

I was down thro' the 2nd choice, but little room was there and the conversation ended cold and abrupt where in I surely knew the outcome.

As a fascinating turn of events, just with in an year, dot-com burst took them to the ground and they were out of the scene! I was elsewhere, but while I was wondering what could've happened to me, if I had gotten that job, I was thinking of what happened on that dark, cold night and mainly - how a person could decide with out getting the facts and without giving me a chance to tell, what I was doing.

Roll forward to 2006 -
To start, this week I had spent hours on phone-calls, in pursuit of a job, but ran into some awkward situations :( I was struck with what happened in 2000, during those 2 situations.

I was talking to some random placement firm. The recruiter told me about a position. It was great, we agreed on rest of the terms as well. Worked on presenting myself well and it all came out as a charm and I was presented.

Next day, I get a call from the same person in a very sad tone that a SPAM has taken place. SPAM in this context I was told of a different meaning.

One's resume can be picked up from somewhere and without his/her knowledge can be presented to a company and if the company is interested, then the consulting firm would talk to the candidate about it.

This was completely new. I felt cold to realize what has happened. This recuitter had been working and hopeful that I'd get it and if so, it'd be his earning. But when he presented the case, my resume was already thro' somebody that we both don't know[ understandably the company can't disclose all those involved ]. His food was snatched, in front of his eyes.

Now, not only my candidacy was vulnerable, but I was directly in conversation with a person, whom I fear is second-guessing me, that I played some trick here.

Not only I don't know who that John Doe is, but what assurances can I give to this recruiter that I didn't share his findings with anyone else. After about 20 minutes of assurance that if I do hear from the company, I'd try to get him in and that I'd like to do this very professionaly and honestly - atleast in his words he sounded somewhat better. But the damage was done. He lost an account, he was sad ! Neither did I hear back from the company !

Just when I was reeling thro' this unfortunate turn of events, I realized that I was part of the 2nd one for the day, already. This was up close and personal.

Feeling enormously down in realizing what happened to my best friend, I wasn't able to talk properly or actually not able to pretend everything was fine to the other important entity in the whole thing.

My thoughts and suggestion of seclusion during tough times, just unfolded right in front of me and back fired in minutes! An ultimatum was served to my friend.

What I was and still am unable to overcome is what happened finally to the person at the core of this, my precious friend. That person got dinged from both the sides. To start with, all that person wanted was some comfort that was found in me. Fine, but when this loose-tongue thought too much of himself to suggest seclusion and that time should be given time, I was second-guessed ! The damage was instantaneous.

I was thought to have barged in, invaded the privacy and the worst of it - it pushed my friend to a corner :(

I wanted calm and peace to prevail so badly !

I didn't know where I was standing as I felt the ground underneath was moving rapidly and what stability I've, to comfort my friend, who was in need of it, more than ever.

I still don't know what I could have done or how the future is going to unfold, while the thought of both just freezes me up the spine, but I kept racking my braing with one question " why again, why me - what did I do wrong ".

Am I supposed to walk away when I see that someone is in trouble, enormous dis-comfort. NO!

But, suggesting someone to take time to be calm is a crime, I realize now, but it was my bad luck, I think that the underlying fact was overseen and I was seen an invader.

I've come to the point, that may be, my point of view about assumptions, conclusions and the so called talking-thro' tough situations, are squarely wrong !

Anyway, may god bring some peace into my friend's home and calmness in her mind, all asap. That's all I can think of and hope now :(

The other side is...

Was talking to R yesterday, who is on a business trip to India/Bangalore. Being a native, he is having a good time. He good god graciously should, having gone such unexplainable events in the recent times.

The chat turned towards jobs in India and I got a good field report, live from Bangalore!. He was pretty upbeat about the job situation in India. Multi-nationals( is that term relevant anymore ?! ) are hiring at alarming pace. Jobs are everywhere I heard, waiting to be taken!!!. Attrition rates are high, but for a different reason, as compared to 1999, the last I rememember about the Indian job scene.

In 1999, the attrition was mainly due to IT professionals moving to US, but now its between companies based on compensation, but with in India. Still jobs are plenty. Very interesting scenario.

While it rekindled my thoughts about moving to India, my memory of the Indian job market, as old as 1999, still pulls me back. It was one bad experience, to say the least. Then, atleast in the company/group I worked for, they were clueless about 'corporate culture', 'time-sense' and 'career growth'. There was no difference between days and nights and on top of it, there was no value for the person, behind the term 'employee'. It literally pushed not only me, but many of us to force ourselves to eject out of the scene.

Roll forward to 7 years and here I'm thinking back about Indian job scene.

R did mention about the poor corporate culture, that's still prevalent and how in spite of it, jobs are available everywhere. But he mentioned that things have changed, so while I could still have problems adjusting to the new culture, it may 'may' be different and better than 1999.

But, it was gratifying to know that my country is forging ahead by leaps and bounds and it reflected the upbeat trip of President Bush, just yesterday.

On the flip side, I began to think as how much have things changed in my life as compared to 1999. The feeling of having lost a lot, overcame what I've gained over years and infact questioned whether the gain was real and was it 'gain' at all ?!

While I've thought about moving back many times before, this time it was, for some reason very different. One reason may be the near and dears ones are over there and that I wish more than ever to be nearer to them.

I'm still thinking, with my mind swaying... Hmm, interesting times.

Purgatory

Posting after a long time... last few days/weeks have been really busy.

Didn't want to waste time on 'anything' but to be with my dearest friend. Often, time seemed to fly away and I wanted it to hold it, to not run away, but with no luck.

Hindsight, I feel very happy to what ever I got and what I was able to do, in the time I had.

Yesterday, it was an unusual drive to the San Francisco Airport. I've been there several times, like the airport too, but for the 1st time, I was a zombie, while I was driving yesterday night. My mind was just absolutely blank. While some song was on, in my car, nothing registered in my mind. People around me were talking to me too, but nothing registered, there either.

Looking back, I just can't comprehend the last few months. Life has take quiet a bit of a roller coaster ride. While I don't want to think back, as where and how I was, it just amazes me to feel that I'm seeing today, writing this in a much more different mood than before. Why?

Breaking out of any routine is never easy. May it be work, eating habits, extra curricular activities, anything that's been systematic - its never easy. While I did break out of lot of my routines, say 4 months back, getting into a new routine seemed hard in the beginning, but had a good grasp not so late. Felt very comfortable and 'this patient needed that medicine'. Mind and body got used to it. That became the new routine.

But now, there is a new routine ahead of me, but I feel more like the trajectory of a stone out of a sling - it travels very fast in the beginning, but as it travels, it slows down and sometimes feels it's not moving at all. Why?

I feel like thrown out of a centrifuge ! Why?

Getting back to the airport, after the usual routine, had a good amount of time to just sit and chat with my friend and while time again seemed to rush, I wanted to freeze the needle in my watch, to not move. But, well, atleast the timing worked out just perfect to have time to not miss anything( routine procedures, chat and photo-sessions ) and then the hard part "send off".

I remember every one of my send off from Chennai Airport but yesterday I realized even more as how hard it should've been to my family members - We're talking, but our minds aren't there. We're seeing time and signs, but they're not helping. We wish to stop the reason( as why we're there ) from happening, but can't and infact shouldn't.

To all those, who read this and who're under the illusion that traveling to US or traveling away from your family and friends is just easy or carry the 'its part of life' argument, I'd like to say - you're "squarely wrong". If you're able to handle it well, it doesn't mean that you got the knack of it, it just means that you're not bonded well to that person!

Back to the San Francisco Airport, it was very hard to see my friend go, as it was equally a very different drive back home, long and lonely. Alas, my friend is going back to the routine/system, that's safe, fun-filled and that is not new - I felt happy about it.

But in all good hope, I hope time and our good luck turns this impasse to just as a short-break and I could get back to the centrifuge and swivel as before, with my friend by my side.

Help me god!