Change

Things have changed dramatically in the last couple of days. I landed on a new job!

Since then, I had been having the dilemma of what to write and what to keep it with in myself, but my mind had been just so restless, waiting to explode. Equally, not helping was those close to me, being very busy and as a result, unavailable. I've tons to talk to them, about almost everything. Well, that's a down thought, let me talk about something else.

Life as I saw, last Friday, April the 14th, has changed completely. I feel old, I feel the tired now, more than before and to a greater part, I don't want to look back. Neither do I prefer to go thro' what I went thro' already. For that sense, nobody should.

In this chaotic time, 2 things struck among many others...
One was as how my mind went just blank, on Friday. It just was filled with void. Mind was restless and was stuck in the past. New faces, new names, new environment, new setup, new direction... all were sensed, but didn't create an imprint. It could be sinking in, in the future, I hope. Why ??

Second was today. Had been to my old-colleague/friend's place. Not so long ago, I was in the same place, but on a completely different situation. I was uncontrollably emotional, so much of FUD around me, he and my other friend were equally stuck, as what to tell me.

Today was a casual visit, but apart from it, nothing was casual at all. Past was just being played in front of my eyes, while it was watching TV. Sometimes, I feel too much of memory about things around you, from the past and the part of the brain that 'connects the dots' doesn't help, but instead causes lot of worries and confusion.

As I went into my friends room to pick up his badminton racket, I felt I was punched in my face. Several months back, I was there, in the same room, exactly in the same place, talking to my mom and practically confining myself in need of space and to bawl out.

Life has changed, but it all seemed just as yesterday. The wound is so fresh, while the time has swished away.

Today, when I look back, its a miracle that given the state I was, now I'm in a position to think about that time, write about it and equally look forward.

Very strong and extreme decisions were taken. Walked out on so many of the routines, confined myself for the longest I have known from myself and many others. Time could prove me correct or wrong, but I do think that this patient, needed that bitter medicine.

But, I've not forgotten the very few things that did happen and that did have a profound impact on me. Yes, this one was done by not me, but very few others.

While I'd not like to name names and go around talking about it ( as its private and precious ), I did justice in being open about it, to the concerned people. Their time and the light they brought into my life ( I'm sure they'd not have realized that and neither they'd agree to that today but ), is something that I'll always have, the deepest of appreciation, gratitude and regard. I do believe in messengers sent by god, now more than ever. I sincerely pray to god for them, to bring in everything that could be brought in this world, for as what they did and how they did it, is not something normal.

I'd like to stop here on that note. Its no somber note, but rather a living testimony and tribute to those who stood by the side of me, not only holding me, but also keeping me alive and to take me to a new direction, for that I'm seeing today, as I write it now.

God bless.